Motherhood

The Mysterious Gift of Loss

By Ixiana H. Wilmot 4/20/2020

When I became a mother, a part of me died. This sounds dramatic, but it is true. I found myself experiencing a kind of loneliness I had never known before. There I was with my beautiful, healthy baby, a loving partner, a supportive family, and the financial means to stay at home. Yet I fell into depression, completely lost my sense of self, and became an extension of my child. The person I had grown to know over the years was disappearing, and I felt an emptiness that made sense to no one. I lost myself, and my health declined. 

I won't lie; it took me years to get out of that particular hole. It was not just because I was so sleep-deprived. It was not just because I was learning how to care for a baby. It was not just because I had changed zip codes to the motherhood district. The thing is, I was changing, and I did not want to. Holding on to the past was destroying my present. This taught me one critical lesson; sometimes, we have to let go. I had to let go of that particular idea of who I was so I could become the woman I needed to be. 

Motherhood was not all rainbows and cute nursery decor. Motherhood was complex, like a fine wine. And it took some getting used to, but by making that one shift, by letting go, I was able to move forward. I decided to plant a seed of self-love in me and step into my new life. Slowly but surely, over the following years, I reconnected with myself. I went back to school. I learned about nutrition and health. I wrote a thesis inspired by motherhood, stress, and how to address it. I got my masters of science, and I decided to start a business focused on helping moms become THEIR best version of themselves in health. Life was good, and I was riding a high wave. 

I would like to say that that was it. That after that, I rose like champagne bubbles effortlessly. But as you know, life is not a one-way street. 

In the summer of 2019, I got my shiny degree, my kids were doing great, I loved being a mom, my relationship with my husband was solid, and I was filled with hope as I set up to start my nutrition business and help other mommies. I was happy beyond belief, and a massive part of it was because I was pregnant with my third boy! My second act was about to begin, but not the way I was hoping it would. The unthinkable happened; 11 weeks into my pregnancy, my strawberry sized baby died. His heartbeat faded, and so did all the lights. 

I was hopelessly lost again. I experienced pain and loss in a way I never had before. I was falling fast, nothing made sense, and my universe collapsed. I wanted to stay still for a beat or forever. I needed to allow myself all the heartache and tears. I was broken, and there was no rushing me out of that one. 

It took a long time, and to be honest, sometimes I find myself in that same spot today, but I began to see little sparks of light. The seed of self-love I had planted years before started to bloom again. And just like the harsh winter leads to spring, I began to transform once again. My baby's purpose merged with mine, and I found myself climbing back up. How did I do it? I shared my story because let's face it; this happens too much, and we do not need to feel like it's a taboo topic. I reached out and found a community that would support me. I cared for myself as I would have cared for that baby, with lots of love and patience. I allowed myself to go through it, whatever that meant for me. I went to therapy. I began new family traditions, like hiking together. And I honored my baby, whom I named Tesoro, every chance I got. A beautiful scar that reminds me to love hard and be grateful every day for every breath. 

I know life flows like the ocean, and I am sure I will face loss in many ways and forms in the future. But for now, I cherish my family, my friends, and my life. I am kind to myself because I know I deserve kindness. I am driven by the purpose I have discovered in motherhood. I wrote Radiant Mommy a book for mommies wanting to create balance. And I am here, a little broken but hopeful and owning my power as woman and mother. 

I believe the process of loss hides within its mysterious gifts. Whether you have lost yourself, a loved one, a job, an opportunity, or a treasure hold yourself tight with love and light. Because in your darkest hour, that love and that light will see you through.

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Ixiana H. Wilmot

Ixiana H. Wilmot is a trained health and nutrition specialist with a passion for helping moms live their best life. Her research and experience with stress, hormones, and motherhood led her to create Radiant Mami, a wellness brand dedicated to assisting women in balancing their bodies so they can feel and look fabulous in motherhood and beyond. Her book Radiant Mommy helps busy moms create balance in motherhood. When she is not playing with her family, you will fnd her trying to change the world on her website www.radiantmami.com and on Instagram @radiant_mami and Radiant Mami on Facebook and YouTube. Ixiana has a master's of Science in Holistic Nutrition and a Health Coaching degree.

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